“I never really knew what I was here for.”
At school, at college, at work, I was just doing what I thought I was supposed to do. Did I find it interesting? Yeah, it was okay. Did it light me up inside? Absolutely, not; And strangely enough, I repeatedly followed the same pattern.
I worked hard to excel and aspired to be the best, chasing promotions and wanting to achieve at whatever I did. This didn’t always happen, and I became frustrated, working longer hours, becoming more and more critical and harder on myself; especially if I saw others succeed.
I lost my drive, enthusiasm and slowly my inner confidence drained away. I was good at what I did, I was deemed successful; but when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t feel it. I felt hollow. I felt lost. I was in a job where I felt bullied and undermined with no sense of direction or control; And even when I achieved, I felt they always wanted more.
I earned good money working in financial services, I had nice cars, my own house, a rental property and went on 2 or 3 holidays a year. I guess I should be happy, right? Wrong. I wasn’t, and yet, I had no idea what I needed or wanted to be happy. Was it me? Was I the problem?
I was angry with myself for thinking this way, I kept telling myself not to be so stupid. I hadn’t been to war, I was in good health, I wasn’t in debt, I had money, everything around me was good. I had nothing to complain about and I felt guilty for feeling this way about myself.
My life became a routine, going through the motions of waking up and feeling miserable. I saw life like a giant never-ending staircase that I was using all my energy to pull myself up, one step at a time. I was fed up of dragging myself up the steps, but unable to comprehend a different existence.
I constantly told myself I was alright, but deep down, I was far from alright.
One day, on holiday, whilst walking along a beautiful beach with my family, I was watching dolphins play in the most beautiful clear blue sea, without feeling a single ounce of joy; the only thoughts in my busy mind were about what if I died? What if I disappeared? I thought this may bring me peace and release me from not feeling like normal person.
But I didn’t, I carried on. I worked harder, thinking maybe the extra piece of success may finally lift the fog in my mind.I had a young family and my home life suffered.
The longer I worked the more disconnected I felt from home, feeling guilty about not spending enough time with them and missing them grow up. I missed parties, family days out, I even answered a work call at my daughter’s birthday. Even when I was there, I wasn’t giving them my full attention.
I continued working hard, until one day, it took its toll. One evening I suffered Transient Global Amnesia (temporary memory loss) for forty-five minutes. My body literally shut down. The long hours, work levels, the constant pressure I was putting on myself and all the thoughts in my head, just caused me to crash. The crazy thing was, it wasn’t even my business that I was killing myself for! I realised I couldn’t go on anymore, so I resigned and left with nothing.
Family kept asking, what are you going to do? when are you going to get a job? How can you afford to live? Quitting without a job is madness! As if I wasn’t asking myself these things! They didn’t realise that I quit that job, to save my life; I couldn’t keep doing something that was destroying me from the inside out.
I put on a façade to friends and family saying it was all under control and I was in the process of getting another job. The reality was, I was sitting at home, unmotivated, unable to think clearly and completely incapable of making a decision to help myself.
I recalled having a brief conversation with a former work colleague a few months earlier; She had just started a coaching business aimed at women suffering from burn out.
I was desperate and knew something had to change. I made the decision, to reach out and contact her. I told her I was ready to make a change in my life; I didn’t know what that change was, or what I would have to do, but I knew, deep down, that something wasn’t right and I was prepared to find it!
From our first sessions, I became aware of the things I had been doing that weren’t serving me. I had lived my life based on what I thought I should be doing, I was deemed successful by others and achieved things for my family’s future, but I had never taken the time to fully explore what I wanted. What did I want to do? What would bring me true fulfilment, purpose, and meaning? It became clear that I would never find those things in work, holidays, cars, investments… it was an inside job. Through a progressive set of sessions, I started to realise I wanted to help others by sharing my experiences in order to help them.
I went on a mission to learn more, investing in courses, books, seminars and other coaches. I soon realised that now I knew what I wanted, every step closer was making me feel energised, excited and happier. I have already completed level two counselling skills qualification, an accredited Coaching qualification and set up my own business. I have recently started the level three counselling qualification and am studying Neuro Linguistic Programming.
What’s funny is I kind of believe that all this happened for a reason. I felt flat and lost because I needed to search for the solution, not for myself, but for thousands of others, just like me. I now help unfulfilled men in financial services, find their purpose, take action, and live a more impactful and fulfilled life. Because quite honestly, it’s what saved me. By working on myself, finding my purpose and taking action to move closer to the things that make me feel fulfilled and positively impact others, has allowed me to live a life ten times better than I could have imagined, that day, walking along that beach, thinking about ending it all.
I am calmer, walk taller, feel stronger and enjoy me. The emptiness inside has been replaced with a feeling of content, knowing what I want, and knowing that I can help others discover what they really want.
Fulfilment was the solution I was looking for all along. All I needed to know, was how to look at myself, take time to work out who I was and what I was really here for!
But more importantly, I’m fully qualified Coach and NLP practitioner, which means I now get to help others.
Do you work within financial services, feel unfulfilled and want to find your purpose, take action, and live a more impactful and fulfilling life? Take your first step and contact me. I am currently offering a complimentary discovery session.